Car Roof Identification

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. “What the heck are you doing?” he asks the drunk. “I’m looking for my car, and I can’t find it.” “So how does feeling the roof help you?” He asked the drunk. “Well,” the drunk replied. “MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!!”

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A policeman pulls over a driver

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer. “I can’t do that, officer.” “Why not?” “Because I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.” “Okay, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station.” “Can’t do that either, officer.” “Why not?” “Because I’m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.” “Alright, we could get a blood…

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Stupid question

A car speeding down the highway loses control, goes through a guard rail, rolls down a cliff, bounces off a tree, lands upside down and finally stops. Wheels spinning in the air, smoke and steam pouring out from under the hood. A passing motorist, who witnessed the entire accident, helps the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. “Good Lord Mister” he gasps, “Are you drunk?” “Of course!,” says the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. “What the hell do you think I am? A stunt driver or something?”

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DUI Dragnet

During the big DUI Dragnet, a Highway Patrol officer waited outside a popular local bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time as everyone came out, he spotted a potential quarry. The man was so obviously drunk that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off,…

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