Jokes Archives - Page 3 of 13

Quattro means four

August 8, 2011 Muttley

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian customer agent stops them and tells them: “Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro.” “What do you mean it’s illegal?” asked the Englishmen. “Quattro means four,” replies the Italian official. “Quattro is just the name of the automobile,” the Englishmen says disbelievingly. “Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons.” “You can ta pulla thata one ona me,” replies the Italian customs agent.”Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car…

The new metro cop

August 4, 2011 Muttley

The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue. “Can I see your license and registration, bub?”, the cop inquired. “But officer,” the fellow started, “I can explain…” “Shut yer trap, bub!” snapped the officer. “You’re going downtown and sit a while till the sarge gets back.” “But, officer, I think you really should know…” “And I said to shut yer trap! You’re going to jail!” A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the sarge is…

Nerd Season

August 2, 2011 Muttley

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: “NERDS NOT ALLOWED — ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK” He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are…

How To Change The Oil In Your Car

July 31, 2011 Muttley

Women: 1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change. 2. Drink a cup of coffee. 3 .15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Men: 1. Go to O’Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree. 2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O’Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. 3. Open…

Three Engineers In A Car

July 29, 2011 Muttley

One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car. The car broke down. The Mechanical Engineer said, “I think a rod broke.” The Chemical Engineer said, “The way it sputtered at the end, I don’t think it’s getting gas.” The Electrical Engineer said, “I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system.” All three turned to the computer engineer and said, “What do you think?” The Computer Engineer said, “I think we should…

A policeman pulls over a driver

July 27, 2011 Muttley

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer. “I can’t do that, officer.” “Why not?” “Because I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.” “Okay, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station.” “Can’t do that either, officer.” “Why not?” “Because I’m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.” “Alright, we could get a blood…

Flat tire by the nuthouse

July 26, 2011 Muttley

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain. Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behing the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing. “Hey, pal! Why…

Farmer Joe's car accident

July 23, 2011 Muttley

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’?” asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…” “I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m…

Car heaven

July 21, 2011 Muttley

Near the end of their racing careers, a Ford and a Chevrolet made a pact. The first one to reach racing heaven would let the other know if heaven even had car racing. As luck would have it, the Chevrolet was demolished in a fiery wreck. A few days later, it revealed itself to the Ford in a vision. “I have some good news and some bad news,” the Chevy told the Ford. “The good news is that heaven is crazy about auto racing. They have everything here–NASCAR, Indy cars,…