An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she’s driving a car. As she’s going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, ‘Excuse me ma’am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver’s license?’ She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls…
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A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. “What the heck are you doing?” he asks the drunk. “I’m looking for my car, and I can’t find it.” “So how does feeling the roof help you?” He asked the drunk. “Well,” the drunk replied. “MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!!”
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Magistrate: ‘But if you saw the lady driving towards you, why didn’t you give her half the road?’ Motorist: ‘I was going to, Your Honour, as soon as I could find out which half she wanted.’
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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, ‘I must be losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light.’ After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger…
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Mike and Frank driving on a street, in different directions. Out of some unfortunate mishap, the cars slammed into each other, head-on. The two men were able to get out of their cars without any serious injury, but the cars were totaled. Before Frank could say anything, Mike said, “Instead of fighting over whose fault it was, why don’t we just celebrate that we were able to come out alive?” Frank said, “Yeah, good idea!” “I have a bottle of whisky in the trunk, why don’t I pull that out?”…
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A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned. Susie said, “He was born in a manger.” Bobby said, “He threw the money changers out of the temple.” Little Johnny said, “He has a red pickup truck but he doesn’t know how to drive it.” Curious, the teacher asked, “And where did you learn that, Johnny?” “From my…
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A Japanese man who went to London sightseeing. On the final day of his holiday, he called a cab to the airport. During the journey, a Nissan drove past the cab. Thereupon, the man leaned forward excitedly and shouted, “Nissan, very fast! Made in Japan!” After a while, a Toyota zoomed past the cab. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and shouted, ” Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!” And then a Mitsubishi sped past the cab. For the third time, the the man leaned forward excitedly…
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Two guys drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest. “If you win, you’re entitled to free sex,” said the attendant. “How do we enter?” asked the men. “Well, I’m thinking of a number between 1-10, and if you guess right, you win free sex.” “O.K., I guess 7,” said one of the guys. “Sorry, I…
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